To My Dearest Son,

I know right now you’re just a baby, but someday you will be a man, and before that happens there are some things I want you to know.

You were a very difficult newborn.

You cried the most, slept the least, and had the hardest time learning to do things. You are my biggest baby, outweighing both of your sisters. I have had a very hard time with you, a lot of my PPD is connected to you and how hard it has been for me to take care of you. Things are getting better as you get older, though.

You are the only one that we tried for.

Pea was a total surprise, so when we tried for a second baby I hoped so hard for a boy. I had my girl already, I wanted a bouncing bundle of blue to snuggle and love. Of course, you ended up being a 2-for-1 deal!

Your little giggle absolutely kills me.

It is so hard to make you laugh! I end up doing the stupidest, most ridiculous things to try and get you to crack a smile, but usually you just end up looking at me with the most judgey face I’ve ever seen an eight month old make. I get incredibly jealous when I hear someone else making you laugh, because I think “what a ripoff!” But it really is an adorable sound, so squeaky and silly. It’s my favorite of all the baby laughs I’ve ever heard.

You can play with whatever you want to.

If you decide one Christmas that you want to ask Santa for a Barbie, or pink shoes, a dollhouse or an E-Z Bake Oven; I will help you write the letter. I will play Barbies with you, and I’ll play Ken if you want me to. Do not ever feel like you are restricted in your imagination because of the gender you were born. Also on that note..

You can wear whatever you want.

Dresses, tiaras, gloves, an astronaut helmet, I don’t care. You ask me to get you something and I will make it happen. Be a doctor for Halloween, or a monster or a princess. Grow your hair out long, wear makeup, paint your nails. It is YOUR body and only YOU know what you feel inside. If you feel that something best represents who you are, then do it and kick ass, son! And on that note..

You be who you are in your heart.

I don’t ever want you to feel like I may not accept you if you aren’t a certain way. As long as you’re not a serial killer (or anything else involving heinous crime), I will love you no matter what. Love who you love, be who you are. I will never turn my back on you.

It’s not “masculine” to hold in your feelings. Crying is beautiful.

You are a human, as far as I’m aware. And a huge part of being human is feeling emotions. Do not harden yourself against feeling. Take it from me, I am the Queen of Tears. If you are sad, cry. If you are frustrated, cry. If you are happy, cry. When you fall in love, cry. When you have a child, cry. When you lose a friend, cry. You really will feel better afterwards.

Be respectful, but take no shit.

If someone is hurting you physically, knock them out. I don’t care if it’s a teacher, a woman, a neighbor, your sister. It is my hope that you will turn out very kindhearted, but never hesitate to defend yourself. I will stand behind you no matter what.

Do not be a bully.

Self defense is very different than attacking another person for no reason. Be kind to others who deserve it. Do not be a bystander. If you think you can help someone who needs it without getting yourself hurt, please help them. You have the power to be the difference in someone’s life.

Always remember that despite our rocky start, you are my son. I love you more than words will ever be able to say, and you will always be my baby Moosh. Love deeply, laugh as much as you can, and please don’t ever be embarrassed to hug your mama.

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