For the past couple of nights, the twins have been sleeping  through the night. So naturally, that must mean that I am too, right? Wrong. I’ve been having an incredibly hard time getting to bed at a decent hour. By the time I finish doing all of the chores that I can’t do with small children running around, I just want to sit  on the couch and watch something that like. Not Bubble Guppies or Tinkerbell, more along the lines of Criminal Minds and Grey’s Anatomy. And to answer your question, yes I am one of those moms. I do not watch adult television while Pea is awake. The twins can’t really see the TV all that well, so I occasionally make an exception with them, but I have been very adamant about that since Pea was born. The first year of her life we shared a room and I got so far behind on The Walking Dead that I missed a season and a half.

A lot of people don’t understand why I wait until the kids are napping or in bed for the night to take a break from cartoons and learning programs, but it’s pretty simple;

I don’t want to expose them to anything scary before it’s absolutely necessary.

Blood? Only when it’s their own (or when I get a nosebleed, they get to see me with tissues stuffed in my nostrils). Crime? Nope. Murder? Not a chance. Seeing me cry hysterically over a death? Absolutely not.

So I spend all day listening to various cartoon theme songs and watching the same shows over and over. Naturally by the time I get all three kids in bed, I just want to lay on the couch and watch something just for me. 10 turns into midnight and then I find myself awake at 3am and I’m kicking my own ass because I know the kids will be up in five hours.

It’s seriously so frustrating because I get absolutely no time to myself during the day, and when I do why would I want to spend it asleep? How do I choose between me time and being properly rested? It’s an endless game of tug-o-war, and usually sleep loses. This means that the next day I’m exhausted and miserable, and I almost always take it out on the kids. I’m short, irritated, and I have unrealistic napping expectations for a toddler and a pair of 8 month olds.

It just goes around and around and I’m getting so tired of it. I know that I made the decision to have kids and yadda yadda, but does that mean that I just toss my needs aside? I’m all alone out here, and getting the help I need is impossible. No time to make phone calls, no patience or energy. Even when I do have the rare moment when I can go out by myself, I go grocery shopping. And that’s not enough. Nothing is helping, I am so sick of taking care of three kids alone. I can’t even begin to express how fucking taxing it is to be the only one around to do things for them. Pea needs breakfast, to get dressed, to be wiped, snack, lunch, drink, something to do, play with me mommy, wait Rye is getting into the cat food, Moosh shit on the rug, they’re both crying because they need to eat or sleep, up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times, clean up puke, spilled food, juice, wipe butts and faces, feed the twins, brush Pea’s teeth, make more bottles, give them all baths, read a story, tuck them in.. it just never ends. I’m trapped in a hamster ball being repetitively thrown down the stairs.

And in result, I stress eat constantly. I’m so miserable in my life and now I’m miserable with my body. I feel so disgusted with myself all the time, I avoid looking in the mirror as much as I possibly can. I rarely wear anything other than pajamas because I’ve gained so much weight. It adds to the fact that I’m so unhappy, I have three beautiful kids but absolutely nothing going for me.

How am I supposed to take care of myself when I have no energy left after I’ve finished taking care of everyone else.


One Comment Add yours

  1. pea6 says:

    I don’t know the answers. I wish I did. You’re a good mom and I’m proud of you. I have done the staying up too late thing too. I wish I was close enough to help you.


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